Sunday, February 14, 2010

Psychobilly Rumble: The Birth of a Hero

From the desk of Dr. J. Rikenstein, PhD

Report on Project Super Eagle (Transcript)

Gentlemen, you will forgive the somewhat informal narrative style of this report, but the events in question must be told as they happened for the sake of posterity and science.  As you are all well aware I am Dr. Jeffery Rikenstein of the Atomic Research Project Super Eagle.  As the head of the project it is my responsibility to make this report to you today.  If everyone is comfortable, let us begin.

The purpose of Project Super Eagle was the development of prototype super soldiers to combat the growing Communist menace in the world today.  Our project was initially comprised of 10 volunteers from across our armed forces.  The first phase consisted of a battery of physical and mental tests designed to weed out those that would be unfit for the process.  At the completion of Phase One we were left with 7 candidates for Project Super Eagle.  I direct you to the slide on the screen currently.  You will see the 7 candidates that were judged fit to advance to Phase Two.

Phase two consisted of rigorous training exercises and a very specific diet, including the chemical enhancers that would be necessary to transform the successful candidates into the super defenders of the American way of life that Project Super Eagle was intended to protect.  During Phase Two we learned that 3 of the candidates were allergic to the chemical combinations they were being given and had to be removed from the project.  This left us 4 candidates for Phase Three.  I now direct you to the screen where slide two will show you the remaining 4 candidates. 

Phase three was a very delicate phase during which the candidates would be taught advanced skills using sleep teaching machines developed by me.  The sleep teaching machines, as many of you are aware, employ the basics of hypnosis to imprint knowledge directly into the brain of the subject while the subject is asleep.  It was during Phase Three that we discovered this man [points to screen] was a secret Soviet sleeper agent.  Fortuitously, the sleep teaching machine had broken the hypnotic seals and revealed the viper in our midst.  The candidate, Cpl. Andrews, was immediately taken into custody by military police and questioned.  The full details are to be found in the report made by the Military Police.  Let it suffice to say that Cpl. Androvitch had been detained and we had reason to believe that none of the secrets of Project Super Eagle had made it to the Soviets.  

With only 3 viable candidates left in the project, we moved into the Phase Four.  If successful this would have led to the fifth and final phase of Project Super Eagle.  Our 3 candidates had been trained and primed, given the experimental chemical compounds and their systems had accepted them well.  With confidence in our experiment and our eyes toward the goal of protecting the American people from the Red Menace, we proceeded.  If you will regard the screen you will see the Atomic Bombardment Chamber.  This chamber was specifically designed to allow us to harness the power of a split atom while avoiding the destructive potential of the same.  Our brave test subjects stepped into the chamber and with a final prayer to the Good Lord we began the complicated process of activating the Atomic Bombardment Chamber.

If I could now direct your attention to this slide [nods head toward screen].  This young man is William Rumble.  He was working at the site in maintenance.  I draw your attention to his picture, as he will become very important to this report shortly.  The photo you see is a young man of average intelligence with no special skills.  He comes from a lower middle class family, single-parent family.  The young man’s mother disappeared some years ago.  On the day that we were to activate Phase Four of the project, William was serving in the capacity of a fire watchman, keeping an eye on the machinery that provided the power to the electron accelerators for the Atomic Bombardment Chamber.  As the electron accelerators reached full power our instruments clearly showed that all was well.  I had my assistant, Dr. Hibbs, throw open the interior shielding on the chamber and we prepared to focus the power of atomic fire into the chemically prepared cells of our brave subjects.  It was then, gentlemen that disaster struck.  It seemed that Cpl. Androvitch had not been the only spy in our organization.  Someone, as yet unrevealed to us, but rest assured, gentlemen he will be found, had sabotaged the Atomic Bombardment Chamber.  The chief technician, Stanton, was the first to notice a critical overheating of the electron accelerator and subsequent overcharging of the atomic particles as they entered the chamber’s focusing aperture.  We reacted quickly, hitting the emergency shut-off plunger, but the failsafe had been tampered with as well.  With no other choice I ordered my staff to flee the area as quickly as possible.  Unfortunately the brave patriots who had volunteered for Project Super Eagle were locked inside the Atomic Bombardment Chamber and the locks would not open while the machine was active.  Further, I knew that to open the chamber would be disastrous to the entire complex. 

Gentlemen, I am sorry to say that young Mr. Rumble was not aware of the evacuation order and continued to maintain his station.  As the atomic energy built to massive levels, the 3 brave heroes who had volunteered for this mission were vaporized.  We may all take some comfort in knowing that their deaths were almost instantaneous.  We can all rest easy knowing that they felt no pain, as their nerve endings most certainly burned up in seconds.  The Atomic Bombardment Chamber contained the majority of the blast, but the electron accelerator received a critical backflow of atomic energy, causing the device, which was not designed to be shielded against such waves, to release massive amounts of energy in waves that bombarded young Rumble, apparently knocking him unconscious. 

Fire crews were sent in as soon as was judged possible.  A radiation crew was sent in to check the complex and, if you will look to the screen and the charts, you will see that the Atomic Bombardment Chamber safely contained the blast and the radiation.  The teams found William Rumble lying unconscious in the electron accelerator control room.  Despite the damage to the accelerator, the radiation levels in the room, including those associated with Mr. Rumble, were all normal. 

I immediately brought William into the lab for tests.  I have concluded that his body somehow absorbed all of the energy released from the electron accelerator.  A further miracle is that he seems to have suffered no ill effects as a result.  However, the energy he has absorbed has changed his body on a fundamental level.  He has demonstrated several abilities that are well beyond normal human limits.  Although none of these abilities were predicted as part of Project Super Eagle, they are still fascinating and I believe useful to our purpose.  If you turn your attention now to the screen you will see William Rumble as he appears today.  You will see that he has not changed outwardly.  However if you look at the next slide you will see him as he appears when viewed spectrographically.  You will no doubt observe that Mr. Rumble is a powerhouse of energy.  Already I have conducted tests to determine some of the applications and limits of this amazing young man.  He shows an increase in strength, resilience and endurance in no way commensurate with his apparent physical form.  Further, this young man of previously average intelligence has demonstrated an amazing grasp of scientific principles.  I predict that with training, perhaps using the sleep teaching method I have developed, he could be a useful asset in our fight against the Communist threat.  For this reason I have requested that the funds set aside for Project Super Eagle be increased and allocated to my latest project proposal:  Project Atomic Prometheus.  I cannot stress this enough, gentlemen; William Rumble and the results of the Project Super Eagle incident must be studied!  Do not consider Project Super Eagle as a failure for our atomic super soldier plans.  Rather, consider it a great success for science!

Thank you for coming. 



  1. I see you have re-written Tesla Elvis at the damn. It’s good. It sounds like a comic parody of The Grand Inquisitor and Jesus arguing socio economics. I guess through lack of use you have taken back Rook. I understand. It’s a good role for him, inheriting the ring of Tesla Elvis.

  2. Rook is like the people's character. He appears everywhere there is a plot crying out for a cool name, everywhere there is a commie ass to be kicked, everywhere an illiterate child desperately wants to name a dog...